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Amazing person in my life…

I have recently lost my grandma whom was like a mother to me. Seeing her on the bed where she had passed has been so hard to get out of my head. I think that moment over and over. But also see how peaceful she looked and not in pain anymore. I loved how she knew when I was feeling down she had no other way of expressing her sympathy but to feed me or inform me of her religion. 

More than anything I have Matt there with me through everything. But I feel its taking a toll on him more then it is me. I truely believe that he is taking my pain into him. Everytime I feel that pain he comes to me and I feel better, however he looks different. I kind of see it as when we decide to have a kid he will be feeling all my symptoms. lol. 

I have some one to help me with the loss of 2 people in my life in the last 7 months. I brought it up to him again about having a kid. Especially because I lost 2 people I care about whom I wanted to see their grandchild and great grandchild. 

I just can’t believe that there are some people out there that want some one to miserable because they don’t like their life or whatever. Even when the whole time I’m respectful and nice. They just don’t want you to be happy because for some reason they are not. It really pains my heart to see people in that kind of pain or resentment. Some people just need to stop blaming other people for their unhappy lifes and blame themselves accept it and move on by changing what/who they are not happy with. 

Negativity is very consuming, why I only have or try to be positive everyday. Love everyone around me. Respect everyone around me. Don’t judge or talk crap about anyone I don’t know or even I do know. Maybe in the past I did. Talking crap about some one is usually a sign of negativity towards the person like jealousy, anger, regret, etc. I don’t need that type of stress nor does anyone else. To hold those type of restrain/grudges over people. 

 Matt has been some one that has been a clearity for me. From the first time we met. I knew this guy was it. I don’t need anyone else. He has and will do so much for me. He proves everyday that he is worthy to be by my side. Matt is THE AMAZING PERSON IN MY LIFE…

What a death in the family can do…

So my Dad had passed almost less then 6 months ago. Since his passing I have been in contact more with his side of the family. Even though I am trying to work more to not think about my feelings about that and the world. I have been taking care of my self a lot more and those around me. So they can be healthy and so can I. Starting the new year I bought Matt a Vaper Pen so he can have healthier lungs from smoking cigarettes a plus he spends less every week not purchasing packs. He and I will be healthier since I wont have that second hand smoke. Matt got me face creams so I can get rid of my dark spots on my face and keep my face healthier. I got my self body butter so my skin is softer and glows. I have been working out everyday so I feel healthier. This does take alot out of me but everything adds to a less stressful life. Especially for some one like me who works a full time job and 3 home businesses. :) I am truely happy and 2014 will be an even better year with more opportunities to grow. I think about how I make mine and everyone around me life’s better. I don’t judge, I love unconditionally. I have embraced my past as a lesson learned and love everyone that was a part of that lesson even if it was a negative depart. I have been able to smile and laugh more letting go of the past and forgiving everyone even myself for some of my own choices made. :) 

Working hard for a goal…

A friend at the bar asked me a question. “What did you want to do as a career?” “I don’t want you working in a warehouse.” I told her I’m not going back to school I find it a waste of time. Even when I’m moving up quick in the warehouse. But it did get me thinking every choice I made was because my goal was always to have a family. Yes I wanted to be a Vet or Marine Biologist, but reading up and taking my parents advise into consideration. I went into nursning thinking that would be good money. Again reading up, there is no guentee you will get a job. 

Really looking into my self I had always wanted to be married and have kids at a young age. As my mom did. My mom had me at 13 yrs of age. She did get married in her 30s but already had 3 kids by 25/26. I told my friend that because of this goal I have. I can understand why I have this strong feeling that once I have my child, I will pass away. Even mentioning that I feel at that point I will have fullfilled my destiny. Her words were “that’s some deep shit” lol. I’m sure I have posted a blog about my dream of Matt holding our child with complete love in his eyes. Like our child will be his life now. I of course woke up after seeing them. (I know I was laying in the bed watching them.) 

Knowing this. I really just want to live my life with Matt happily. I try to make the best of every situation. Sometimes it is hard. I have never seen anyone like I see Matt. I’ve always tried to picture my past boyfriends in that tux/ suit and me walking up to them in my wedding gown. With Matt I can see him as if I’m doing it everyday. lol. Weird I know… I knew our first date when I touched his back. ( he was showing me his tattoo, and yes it was our first touch). It is even more exhilerating that others we hang out with see this love we have for eachother. Especially those who are still looking for love. They crave exactly what we have and I truely can’t wait to be Mrs. Carscadden. :) 

Life and friends.

So lately, I have been thinking alot about my friends. How I can just pick up friends like nothing and care for them as if we have been friends forever. I just feel I have so much love for the world and those in it. Even if there are people out there who tend to be jealous and  angry I have weaded out those who have been a negative influence and embraced the positve. I have tried to help those who have a tendancy to just be negative and showed them a whole different light. 

Even though I have to be up at 2am tomorrow. I can’t seem to fall asleep. Because of how much I think of these people in my llife and those who were. I have picked up alot over the past years. I have become more understanding and have been way less judgemental. Honestly, in this place I am now I am completely happy I might have my breaking moments. because of how much I do. But I just wipe the tears and get back up stronger than ever and have learned more in the process. 

I have no clue what life will bring me. So far because of my change it has brought me good things. I look back on my past relationships and how much these guys needed so much attention. How draining that could be. How I find out lies that were told, of course because my guy now being a friend to one of my ex’s. How much I’ve learned from the relationships but in some ways do feel I wasted part of my life and time with guys who truely didn’t diserve it.  (The guy who wanted me but didn’t want me to get in his buisness. The guy who just wanted to get in my pants. The guy who was too old for me, yet still pretty immature. The guy who lied long term. The guy who didn’t man up to his cheating.) There was a reason why these relationships didn’t work. I was meant for someone greater than them. Someone who exceeds them by how much he does for me. Who loves me like I’m the only woman he has ever loved. (The only woman in the world.) 

Part of me feels like I wasted my time. The other part knows it helped with my growth as a person. 

 I honestly don’t care who reads my blog. Because when you first meet me this is pretty much me, an open book. Being judgemental doesn’t get you anywhere just adds negative energy to your whole being. Love is peace. Happiness is life. Love you all. :) 

My love and I.

Taurus and Virgo

When Taurus and Virgo come together in a love affair, it’s a union of innate practicality. Both of these Signs employ practicality in their daily lives as the most efficient means to most problems. They can be quite sincere and devoted to one another; as people, both have a great deal of integrity. Virgo likes Taurus’s strength and dedication while Taurus appreciates Virgo’s quick mind.

Due to Virgo’s naturally cautious nature, this relationship can take awhile to develop, but once it’s established that both partners are in it for the long haul, it’s like a runaway locomotive, running on its own power and difficult to stop. These two Signs have much in common: They highly value common sense and practicality; they’re both materialistic but work hard for the creature comforts they so enjoy. Taurus is more sensual and indulgent than Virgo is; Virgo tends to be the inhibitive force in the relationship, tending not to get involved in the chaos of life in favor of analyzing all available options. Virgo’s analysis leads to criticism, which Taurus can tend to take too seriously. Conversely, Taurus’s stubborn nature can get on Virgo’s nerves, causing Virgo to criticize even more! This pair must take care not to take one another too seriously. The good thing is, they’re similar enough that they can learn to be patient with one another, especially Virgo, who loves to indulge Taurus’s penchant for fine treatment and good food.

Taurus is ruled by Venus (Love and Money) and Virgo is ruled by Mercury (Communicationimage). Both of these Planets are close to the Sun, so they’re closely related though they seem very different. Venus is physical; it’s about romance and sensuality, both of which are important to Taurus. Mercury is about communication and it’s androgynous — Virgo will take on the form that it chooses. Virgo is very good at understanding other people and can easily learn to be the romantic and sensual partner that Taurus loves. Both partners are so devoted and romantic, their arguments surely won’t focus on those issues.

Taurus and Virgo are both Earth Signs. Earth Signs are steady and practical, concerned with possessions. Taurus and Virgo together love to surround themselves with beautiful things — an opulent home, gorgeous artwork, classy cars. Their love of luxury and their desire to be financially secure ensure that this couple will work hard who never overspend.

Taurus is a Fixed Sign and Virgo is a Mutable Sign. Taurus is stubborn and tends to make up their mind for good; more flexible Virgo can help teach Taurus the value in bending the mind a bit — when it’s practical, of course.

What’s the best aspect of the Taurus-Virgo relationship? Their dedication to working toward the same goals. Both partners enjoy luxury and nice things, and Virgo likes helping Taurus achieve their goals. Their common interests and desires make theirs a highly compatible relationship.

Ready for a baby.

So this past week I was a week late. Don’t worry yesterday was that time. lol. But before than I told I will have to take the test after this week. Thinking more into it I was actually getting excited to think I was. When I told Matt about having to do the test he smiled, no “oh shit” face. More like “let’s have one” face lol. We have decided that we will have a baby after marriage, but it is mostly because of our families. We have said if it happens before than it happens. Honestly love him that much that I do want a symbol of that love. A mini us. lol. This is just something that brings so much joy for me. I have seen the future and it was Matt holding our child. 

The other thing I have seen is that I wont be able to see our kid grow up. As I have seen my passing after birth. I don’t mean this to sound depressing because I am so happy. There is a feeling of this happening. So even tho Matt and I have talked about maybe having a home birth. We might have to attend the hospital for me to give birth. There is more of a risk for a home birth than at the hospital. There are possibilities for both. But all I would care about is the best for our future baby. And that would be getting married before having him/her. (I am sure it will be a him.) Especially since we did get our reading and was told that we will have a boy. lol. But it can always change. From what I was getting from the reading tho too was that my feeling was right because evertime she was talking about our kid she was talking to Matt and say your boy will grow strong someone ppl can look up to. Anyways this whole blog is to say even with my feelings on the after birth I am so ready to have a baby with Matt. He has been ready for a while too. lol. :) 

Busy weekend

So friday after work got my hair done. Then my love made a quick dinner for me. After eating went to a spooktacular event at elementary school to help my bf sister sell the bracelets she made. From there I went to the store to buy some new clothes and some extra stuff for our apt. Knocked out when I got home. Sat. woke up cleaned a bit then got ready for the halloween party we went to. My bf and I left by midnight cuz we were both pretty tired but we had so much fun. Met some new ppl. I got to dance which it has been awhile since I’ve been able to. Also knocked out in my costume when i got home woke up a lil cuz my love made food. lol. then really knocked out. Sun. went to get some food. visited Stables because I’ve been looking for a lil desk since I made a lil space for my office in our walk in closet. (Can’t wait). Then went to my origami owl sister’s launch party. We had a few good ideas for our buisness to grow. So can’t wait to see how well we do with that. After that went to visit my bf’s mom and grandpa. Since she was in the hospital last night and his grandpa was recently in the hospital. Told my bf after he got off work he should visit too. So, now I’m home getting ready for bed for my morning wake tomorrow at 2:30am. So goodnight world, hope everyone had a great weekend and make it a even better week. :) 

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